Donald Trump’s Secretary of Defense Gen. James Mattis called an emergency briefing just hours ago to address the nation. Just like before JFK announced the Cuban Missile Crisis, Mattis told the country that this would be on an important matter of national security.
Mattis began the speech as follows,
“On February 12th, 2017… a day which will live in INFAMY… President Donald J. Trump completely used up his reserves of cocaine. The safety of the world is at stake. We’ve been able to keep him under control only by a continuous supply of Peruvian cocaine. Now he is seriously considering nuking New York City just because SNL is there.”
Mattis continued to channel JFK as he ended his speech with a call to arms,
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how you can donate cocaine to the leader of your country!”