BREAKING: Donald Trump Sues God

BREAKING: Donald Trump Sues God

“God has directly rigged the universe against me,” said Donald Trump after filing a lawsuit against Almighty God. In the legal complaint Trump stated, God refuses to hear my whines.

A long history

Trump first began to suspect God years ago when,

“I found that God consistently allowed me to date and marry women who were unable to satisfy my needs. I mean… it wasn’t even close.”

When it all came together

After his campaign appears to be facing imminent defeat, Trump is sure God was behind it, “I am a winner.” said Trump, “the only way I could be losing this bad is if God is a loser. It’s just math.”

The Bible’s bias

Trump also claimed God created the bible in order to make Trump look stupid,

“God created the Bible with the sole purpose of making me look like a complete and utter jackass… he filled it with rules he knew I wouldn’t want to follow such as, ‘do not lie, cheat, and do not commit adultery.’ 

These are totally unfair rules for people who own a casino with a strip club filled with mobsters conveniently located inside.

Trump’s lawyer comments

Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen explained the unusual lawsuit,

“Unless God wants to start rigging the election in our favor, his unfairness will be challenged in court!”

On the way to the courthouse Cohen was struck by lightening twice, but Cohen is unfazed, “I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer… getting struck by lightening is like my morning coffee.

Trump’s Evidence

The Trump campaign has submitted the following video to the judge. Trump commented, “this video shows that the entire Bible was directly and purposefully created for the purpose of warning about people like me.

 

 

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