Ethics without God, A Satire - When Faith Gives Reason a Back Rub

Ethics Professors Now Throwing Weaker Students Out 3rd Story Window

“If they are able to limp into class the next day alive, then maybe they are worth keeping in the gene pool,” said ethics professor, Johann Fritz.

Fritz is part of a growing number of ethicists who are, “tired of the political correctness in academia,” and would like to, “face the obvious implications of science by killing less fit members of the human race and banging their wives.”

Fritz killed 46 underperforming students last year in what he calls, “hands on ethics demonstrations.”

During these demonstrations, Fritz asks an underperforming student to grab him something next to an open window. Then, Fritz walks up to the student and asks him or her a number of questions on the class material. If the student gets a question wrong, Fritz screams at the top of his lungs, “I AM THE ALPHA MALE,” and then, usually after a violent struggle, throws the student out the window.

After receiving sharp criticism of these techniques, Fritz has requested funding for, “some type of catapult” to use instead, to, “make science more fun.”

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Image from Fritz’s request for funding from the National Science Foundation

In an Op-Ed for the New York Times, Friz defended his tactics,

“If you believe in God, then even if you believe in evolution it makes sense to think all human beings are equally valuable. Since, on this view, God, using evolution, would have created everyone in his image.

However, thinking all humans deserve equal treatment is just fantasy on atheism. It is wishful thinking… much like a fairy tale. If evolution tells us anything it is that there are less fit humans who are meant to die, and more fit people like myself who are meant to shoot them out of catipults and bang their wives.”

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