GOP Jesus Debates Actual Jesus - When Faith Gives Reason a Back Rub

GOP Jesus Debates Actual Jesus

Actual Jesus: Behold! The kingdom of heaven things is here!

GOP Jesus: What must I do to follow you?

Actual Jesus: Sell half of your possessions and give to the poor, and come, follow me!

GOP Jesus: What? How can I care about the poor at a time like this? Haven’t you heard of terrorism? The secularization of America? How can you dare tell me these things?

Actual Jesus: Because I’m Jesus and I said so… what the frick?!

Sell half of your possessions and give to the poor! Or I will just mosey on my way without you…

GOP Jesus: You sound like some kind of, I believe the technical term for it is, libtard.

You are not going anywhere, because I believe in you and the bible says you will therefore agree that I speak for you.

Actual Jesus: I will begin the process of moseying on my way…

GOP Jesus: What? Who do you think you are… you are not a Christian at all! And I can prove it.

I shall title this proof,



  1. He has said nothing in this conversation about abortion. Apparently he doesn’t care about babies being murdered.
  2. He has said nothing in this conversation about religious freedom. He acts like some kind of a fool that plans to be crucified.
  3. He is on record telling me to, “love my enemies” which unfairly restricts me from calling them all traitors.

From 1, 2, 3, and a bunch of false assumptions present in 21st centruy America, it follows that Jesus is not nearly as good a Christian as Jerry Fallwell.

In fact, Jesus is not a Christian at all!

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