This is a Guest post by Lyric A.G. Esparza
This week an old article by Dan Bacon, How To Talk to A Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones, resurfaced, and the internet “feminists” got a wee angry. Lyric A.G. Esparza, a freelance writer in Seattle, wrote a helpful article for women in response.
These days, many men walk around doing important man things like owning a business or running for congress with a smartphone or tablet device, and they’re often wearing headphones and listening to music at the same time.
Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them.
Of course, not all men are open to being approached because not all men are comfortable with women acting as if they have the agency to initiate romantic relationships.
However, if a man wearing headphones is single and hoping to meet a girlfriend (or even a new mother-figure), he will usually be happy to take off his headphones and give you an opportunity to prove that you are not the typical, insignificant, pretty face. (If you’re unaware that this is your obligation as a woman, see our earlier article entitled “Ladies – You Have to PRETEND You Desire Liberty and Empowerment So The Sexist Man You Want First Hates And Then Falls For You”).
Honestly, if the man you’re approaching is as sexy as this faceless yellow short-wearer, make sure you are at least a 7 without makeup.
Remember – just because he takes off his headphones does not mean you’re “in.” He could have just stopped to stare at your breasts, which we’re hoping you already know should be shown off. If this is the case, recall the Breast Rule: Always give a man a good 30-60 seconds of breast-staring time before expecting him to speak. It’s simply their instinct and we should oblige accordingly.
What to Do to Get His Attention
- Stand directly in front of him, with your back facing his way. (This is a great way to communicate your feminine vulnerability to him.)
- Have an uneasy, nervous smile. Think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman – a masterful example of a woman who thought she was strong enough to be on her own until she met a man who made everything better. (If you need inspiration, consider your low self esteem – all women have that!)
- If he still does not have your attention, try mouthing the words, “I am female of breeding age; You: Man.”
- When he looks at you, point to his headphones and meekly suggest, “Might I have a moment of your time, sir?” While motioning that you are taking off your own invisible headphones.
Remember, men are not stupid, but sexist men do take a little longer to process basic communication, because they are enlightened and farther on than us to Nirvana.
If he communicates to you that he doesn’t want to talk, he is merely playing “hard to get.” Be even more persistent – men think they like an aggressive woman, until she makes more money than him or starts talking about her “opinions” and “feelings.” (Which you should never, ever do.)
5. When he finally eases into the conversation, do what we call “Establishing His Dominance” by quickly mentioning how supportive you are of Donald Trump’s politics.
Here is an example conversation to help you along:
You: [Smile in a shaking sort of way] Hey – I know it’s ugly and slightly Ellen Degeneres for women to approach men they are interested in romantically, but I saw you and thought – wow, this is a man who looks as if he could pay my bills and provide me with children for the rest of my life. I have to say hi. What is your name? (Note: do not state your own name. Your name is not important).
Man: My name is Dan.
You: [It’s likely that you aren’t funny because you’re a woman, but be sure to not do anything that could potentially make him laugh, like fart or something] Cool, nice to meet you Dan. I don’t normally talk to men. Ever.
Man: That’s nice to hear.
You: [If you are in a shopping mall or city street, let him know you have nothing else to do besides talk to him, so he understands you are immediately at his beck and call, and can be disposed of when he is through talking with you] Anyway, I’m just out campaigning for Meninsm… How about you?
Common Mistakes That Women Make When Approaching Sexist Men Wearing Headphones
1. Giving up too easily
Headphones are a universally agreed upon way to say to the world, “I’m introverting right now. I believe there are decent enough folks left on this planet that may intuit this fact. I am confident sitting in this coffee shop with my headphones in, without fear of being hit on or told I am hot. Nobody’s that desperate to assuage their confused sexuality and fragile masculinity, right?!”
Wrong. Of course. Headphones are a challenge, ladies – one you must overcome to get with the Sexist Man.
Often, a man will be interested in talking to a woman, but he won’t immediately pull out the headphones. Why?
Most men like to test the persistence of a woman. They want to know how desperate you are, so they can helpfully gauge which category you fall into: one night stand, months long relationship, or first marriage.
2. Not including any flirting
Most women miss out on a fact that men know their whole lives: Flirting is the easiest way to trick a woman into thinking you’re interested in who she is as a human, while likely getting to have sex with her.
Well, use that power for yourself, ladies! But instead of being valiantly polite about it like most Sexist Men are, just straight up tell the dude what you want, “Please spill your seed in me at your earliest convenience so I might bear your children and attain the highest level of respect for a woman that is available here in Western society.”
Works every time, we promise!
Who knows, that guy in the headphones but just be your ticket to becoming the next Melania.