Major World Religions if Trump Were Their God - When Faith Gives Reason a Back Rub

Major World Religions if Trump Were Their God

Judaism

  • Followers told to, “not to act too Jewy”
  • The snake in Genesis becomes the main character of the Torah, saving the Israelites from, “black people counting their money”
  • Entire book of Psalms replaced with nude photos of anonymous immigrant women

Islam

  • Followers must make a once a year pilgrimage to a strip club
  • Teaches followers to say, “Allah Akbar… fahood mishri laqtood fitood Trump Casino” (God is great… but loses loads of cash at Trump’s casino)

Christianity

  • All words of Jesus removed
  • All references to Jesus removed
  • Bible rebuked for, “not understanding the plight of the 21st century American white man.”

Buddhism

  • Images of fat Buddah given, “statue-liposuction”
  • Followers must believe, “life is suffering”
  • Monks w/bald heads required to shine head until it sparkles
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