“Our survival rate is below the national average but so are our prices so I think it evens out” said CEO of Spirit Airlines, Jack Spark.
While admitting about half of the people who take Spirit Airlines flights, “don’t make it home… at least home alive,” Spark promised that new quality improvements would keep that number from rising any further.
Spark suggested that a single change could save about 100 planes a year from in-air malfunctions,
“Too often we forget to change the oil. We have implimented a program to get oil changes for the planes on time. It involves a large sticker being placed on the cockpit window with the mileage.”
Spirit Airlines, known for its cost cutting measures that are often at the expense of their customers is proposing other measures to improve their customer experience.
“Too often we don’t fill the gas tank up and we run out of gas in mid-air… we have to teach our pilots that when the “E” is flashing on the dashboard, that means you have to land immediately.
You can’t risk flying around looking for somewhere to land with better prices. At current prices it’s just not worth risking 200 plus lives because gas is cheaper at the next destination.
As CEO of Spirit Airlines I promise that never again with a fully loaded 747 crash into a metropolitan area because the maintenance crew didn’t want to pay $2.50 a gallon.”
Despite receiving biting criticism from the Democrats, Republicans, the Pope, the Dali Lama, and ISIS, the airline is unrepentant.
Spark explained that once airlines started to replace meals with peanuts and crackers, take out legroom and squeeze everyone together, the natural progression was to remove safety features like wing maintenance and mentally stable pilots.
— FaithReasonBackRub (@FRBackrub) June 27, 2016
Aware of the sharp criticism lobbed at the airline, Spark proposed one last safety measure to win over popular opinion,
“Spirit Airlines will be the first airline in the history of flight to give every one of its passengers parachutes. Spirit Airlines passengers will be required to wear them at all times.
If the pilot forgets to close the door on the plane and the air pressure sucks passengers outside at 20,000 feet, passengers will have a chance to survive.”