“I’m getting bored,” said Valdimir Putin as reclined his Lazy-boy, opened a gigantic tub of icecream, and began to eat directly from the ice cream scooper as he sobbed for hours.
“Back when I was getting started in the KGB, the West put up a fight. But now I’ve already gotten Trump elected, Brexit passed, undermined NATO, & Jean-Marie Le Pen looks like she could win France!”
Putin kept on,
“This is too easy… I mean, I was expecting this to last my whole life! Now what am I supposed to do? I’m already the richest man in the world after robbing Russia… you think buying another country will entertain me? HA! What do you think… I am a kitten? I AM NOT A KITTEN!!! VALDIMIR PUTIN IS NOT A KITTY CAT!!! NOT. A. KITTY. CAT!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!”
Putin believes he has to make his takeover of the West more difficult by drastic action,
“I think if I declare war against my own country an then get into a nuclear war with my own country it could make it hard enough to take over the west that it doesn’t bore me to freaking tears.”
Putin has considered timing his self-nuking to music, kind of like they do with fireworks or the fountain at the Bellagio. “I could do it to an Adele song! Marvelous! Yesss! This will keep me entertained for at least a few extra weeks!”
Reports suggest that the millions of people who Putin would kill won’t matter because Trump said so.