Scientists Make First Discovery that can't be Turned into a Weapon - When Faith Gives Reason a Back Rub

Scientists Make First Discovery that can’t be Turned into a Weapon

Image: RALPH ORLOWSKI / Reuters

“No one expected that this could be done in our lifetime,” said Dr. Franz Ferdinand of the University of Munich. Ferdinand is believed to be the first scientist to have advanced science without advancing mankind’s ability to kill each other in more creative ways.

Overwhelmed by emotion from the announcment, one scientist commented,

“This is not like the discovery of the atom which led to the atomic bomb. Nor is it like the developments physics that led to being able to target bombs more precisely, nor is it like the developments in aeronautics that allowed allowed bombs to be strapped to f%[email protected] rockets and shot from a [email protected]$#ing rocketship! Oh no! Not this time!”

This discovery brings hope to many scientists, such as Dr. Victor Fleetwood, who suffer from PTSD from having their discoveries turned into weapons. Fleetwood explains,

“I was just trying to cure the common cold, and stumbled upon a discovery that was turned into a weapon. Every day I fear that once again I will turn on the T.V., see a video of someone being killed because of my discovery, and hear the news anchor say, “wow… I’ve only seen that done in cartoons.”

The President of the National Science Foundation, (NSF) Dr. Isha Milohvic, concluded,

“Some people claim our culture has an irrational faith in science to guide every aspect of life. Some people say that science is morally neutral and can’t save our society.”

“I can now prove that they are wrong by pointing them to Dr. Franz Ferdinand, who, for the first time in his career, can go home tonight and not fear seeing that his discovery has once again given mankind the ability to use the brainwaves from positive thoughts to power lazer-targeted napalm bombs shot from a f$*%ing spaceship.”

Contact the NSF for more information on how to help scientists with PTSD.


Image: RALPH ORLOWSKI / Reuters

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