Posing next highly advanced Tempur-Pedic mattresses and a bottle of ZzzQuil, Jhangir Al-Jabbir took a yawn and wiped his eyes, a clear threat indicating he was tired and able to fall asleep at any moment.
The White House reports, “he has been observing western culture for years and knows that believing reality is subjective (for example, God’s existence may be “true for you,” but not, “true for me”) is an extremely useful belief.
“Since reality is a construction of his own mind, he has discovered that by taking a nap he will literally cause the entire Western World to cease to exist.”
The President and Congress, knowing the immense and destructive power of this belief, have called an emergency session to decide which type of pen to sign the country over with. A joint statement from the President and Congress said, “what can you do? If reality is just a construction of Al-Jabbir’s mind we better make him happy.
The President supports using the, “space pen” that can write upside down while the Republicans in Congress want a quill pen in memory of the history of a country that once was. Both sides attempt to filibuster if their choice of, “pen to sign the country over with,” is not accepted.
The AP reports that the Russians, who have been illegally selling terrorists Western Philosophy for years, are largely to blame for this. Armed only with the common belief that reality is subjective and, for protection, an ergonomic mattress and bull tranquilizer always nearby (to threaten to fall asleep), he intends to wed his 72 virgins in this life.
Aware of his power, the President wants the location of the wedding to be at NASA headquarters in memory of our technology, while the Republicans support a more rustic approach by suggesting the new emperor of the world should be wed in Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home in memory of how long the United States had lasted.
Members of congress are being trained by the worlds most highly advanced masseuses in order to properly massage Al-Jabbir and his family while Hillary Clinton is attempting to grow a full beard in order to convince him that we are on his side.