“If I shot my own dog,” thought President Trump, “it should buy me at least one day of news coverage.”
According to sources in the White House, Trump has been brainstorming ways to distract the media from his Russia scandal. Other ideas included naming August, “National Orange People are the Problem Month,” starting World War 3, or, building a colosseum so he can, “throw people to the lions.”
Trump reportedly favors shooting his own dog because, as he says, “I have a lot of experience in this area & we could easily live-stream it on Facebook.”
Trump has also consulted his group of advisors called, “The Probably Either Nazi Sympathizers or Literal Nazis but You Can’t Prove it so Shut the Fuck Up,” who told him that it wasn’t a racist enough solution to keep the KKK member donations pouring into his campaign for 2020.