Yesterday evening Todd Jacobson popped into being uncaused out of nothing inside of a New York City apartment. Jacobson, who popped into existence as a fully formed adult, immediately went to the fridge to grab a beer without ever wondering why he came into existence.
Terri Grossman sat down with the 12-hour-old to ask him about his newfound existence.
Grossman: It is a pleasure to meet you, Todd.
Jacobson: The pleasure is really mine… you are the first person I have ever met. After all, I just popped into being uncaused out of nothing a few hours ago.
Grossman: Why haven’t you questioned it? There has to be a reason for this! How could you just say you are uncaused?
Don’t act like I was born yesterday! I just popped into being uncaused out of nothing yesterday!
I am an atheist who believes that everything that exists, the whole entire wonderful powerful and complex universe just popped into being at the big bang uncaused out of nothing!
Well, either that or there is something making infinite universes. And that thing must have popped into being uncaused out of nothing. The upshot is that the universe is finite. Whenever it was there was a pop and everything was just here… without satisfactory explanation.
Grossman: That is absurd.
Jacobson: Then atheism is absurd! But we all know atheists are the SAVIORS AND GUARDIANS of REASON. I popped into being uncaused out of nothing and you reporters need to get over it.
Grossman: Can’t atheists just say the universe was always here?
Jacobson: Modern science and the big bang theory made this very difficult to hold to.
Grossman: Your conclusion though, seems completely irrational. By the way if you have only been around for 12 hours how have you already decided that there is no God?
Jacobson: Easy! Remember when I said the first act after I began to exist was to go into the fridge to grab a beer?
Jacobson: There was only Bud Light in the fridge. Problem of evil bro…
Grossman: Now that, I understand.