“If I shot my own dog,” thought President Trump, “it should buy me at least one day of news coverage.” According to sources in the White House, Trump has been brainstorming ways to distract the […]
“I read an article on Infowars claiming that leprechauns actually exist and that they are hoarding gold,” said Donald Trump shortly after his daily cocaine session. Trump has ordered the US military to DEFCON 1 […]
“Some only speculated that such a gene literally existed, but now there is no doubt,” said Hans Flibbelflovel, chief scientist at the University of Flubber. Flibbelflovel’s team tested Trump’s DNA and noticed that one of the […]
Democrats have reportedly unleashed a foolproof plan to stop Trump in 2020, do exactly the same thing as last time. The Democrats plan to win over former Trump voters by just sitting back and waiting […]
“For FAR too long Mother Nature has attacked Americans with tornados, hurricanes, and earthquakes! I won’t stand for it any longer!” said Donald Trump. Trump believes that President Obama has been weak on the natural […]
“You aren’t appreciating the freedom I have given you by appearing to you in the form of a man,” said Sean Spicer to the press Friday afternoon. Spicer repeatedly threatened the press by claiming that he […]
“We would have at least preferred a trigger-warning… there are just some things you don’t make jokes about,” said Steve Bannon on Monday. At a high level meeting comprised of Trump’s top assholes, new employee […]
“At least your are not a politician” said one supporter as Trump caught him with a bear trap, threw a grenade in his direction, and shot him in the leg just for the heck of it. […]
Donald Trump sent a letter to a top hand expert claiming that his hand size in 2005 was “totally normal” in order to distract from a congressional investigation which indicates he systematically stole candy from […]
“For years, Alex Jones has been made to look like a fool by Alex Jones, and so Alex Jones will stop at nothing to silence Alex Jones!” said Alex Jones as he confronted Alex Jones. Jones […]
“One day they are home with you torturing dissidents, and the next they want to go off on their own and bomb and elementary school. They grow evil so fast,” said Vladmir Putin about his […]
Many reports have suggested that Trump’s administration is chaotic and understaffed, but the one place this is not true is in President Trump’s state of the art Blackmail Management Task Force. In a massive complex […]
“I’m getting bored,” said Valdimir Putin as reclined his Lazy-boy, opened a gigantic tub of icecream, and began to eat directly from the ice cream scooper as he sobbed for hours. Putin contined, “Back when I […]
“This would all go down easier if the GOP elite would just shut the fuck up and speak Russian,” said Donald Trump after a meeting with his Blackmail Management Taskforce. After Trump’s plan to make Russia […]
“She really should have thought this through more deeply before she came out of the womb,” said Donald Trump on CNN yesterday. Trump was referring to thirteen year old Jackie Han, who is featured in a […]
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