27 Things You are More Likely to Die of Than Terrorism

1. Tripping over an Idaho potato
2. A stray US bomb 3 countries away from any Middle-Eastern country
3. A cat whose owners forgot to clip its claws
4. Bob Sacamano – Kramer’s friend from Seinfeld who no one was sure if he actually existed
5. Orangina
6. An inexperienced masseuse
7. Shaq accidentally splitting the atom
8. A top hat
9. Peter Francis Geraci (if you don’t get it, I am older than you)
10. Bankruptcy info tapes (you may be too young to get this one. If you really need to know, Google search for #9 and #10 together!)
11. Gumby (I’m dating myself again)
12. A nuclear explosion due to low government funding of a nuclear site
13. Barack Obama’s secret Mormon initiation ceremony
14. Socks with the elastic worn off
15. The New York Philharmonic Orchestra
16. “The House That Had Enough,” the house in German fairy tales that walks away because you didn’t clean it.
17. An organic grocer
18. Your boss
19. Your wife
20. Your self
21. Fear of terrorism
22. A simple act of kindness
23. Dwight D. Eisenhower
24. Kale
25. Vladimir Putin’s wife
26. One of Donald Trump’s mobster friends
27. The letter, “H”

Bonus: being crushed by furniture (actually true)