St. Peter: Hello America! I am running for President. Make sure to visit my website & donate: www.StPeter4Pres.GodsKingdom
Todd Cheytin (Satan wearing a clever disguise): I am also running for President!
I promise that I will outlaw abortion and give you religious freedom and also free hats! How could you vote for St. Peter? Jesus himself called him Satan in Matthew 16:23,
Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
GOP: Wow! That is amazing… Jesus himself called Peter Satan! We not vote for him & also tell people who don’t agree with us they are going to hell!
St. Peter: But you are misinterpreting the Bible you fool!
You have to take into account the context of the whole Bible rather than focusing on the literal meaning all the time. You miss the whole point when you do that!
GOP: St. Peter, you sound like someone who is begging to go to hell! It’s easy to show you that you are wrong… I will construct a syllogism… I will syllosophize!
- Jesus called St. Peter Satan
- Jesus can’t lie
- St. Peter is Satan
GOP: See, now we have proven St. Peter is Satan we can’t vote for him… or we must vote for his opponent… no matter what the cost!
And, I will construct another syllogism! I will… re-syllosophize!
St. Peter: Stop! This is foolish!
GOP: NO! I don’t need to listen to you… I shall only listen the Bible!
St. Peter: I am one of the writers in the bible!
GOP: You didn’t write anything about this in the bible though!
St. Peter: But you aren’t interpreting it correctly! And, I also want to point out that you haven’t even gone to my website and checked out my tax plan or signed up to my e-mail list!
GOP: Quiet! I shall resume re-syllosophizing!
- St. Peter is Satan (see earlier syllogism)
- We don’t know if his opponent, Todd Cheytin, is actually Satan*
- We must vote against Satan
- Therefore we must vote against St. Peter and elect Todd Cheytin*
*Author’s note: TODD CHEYTIN IS ACTUALLY SATAN & St. PETER IS A SAINT (or just a really great apostle for us non-Cathloics)!
Todd Cheytin (Satan): Ok… I’m bored so I am just going to admit I am Satan. I AM SATAN!!! GRRRR!!!! GRAAAHH!!!! BOO!!!!!!
GOP: Wow! Creepy! Well this is an easy decision! I will still vote for Todd Cheytin!
I already know from the bible and my infallible ability to logically reason that St. Peter is Satan! I must not vote for St. Peter and will cast my vote for Todd Cheytin… even if he does claim to be Satan!
St. Peter: #FACEPALM! Don’t you see you are interpreting the Bible just like the Pharisees?
You are putting all the emphasis on the literal interpretation of one part and missing the point of the whole narrative?
GOP: AS IT IS WRITTEN, “GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN FOR THOU ART AN OFFENSE UNTO ME” – Matthew 16:23.
Jesus said that to you too! How Biblical is it for me to say that to you too St. Peter!
St. Peter: This isn’t worth it… why won’t anyone discuss my tax plan or sign up to my e-mail list???!!! #blocked…