Major World Religions if Trump Were Their God

Judaism

• Followers told to, “not to act too Jewy”
• The snake in Genesis becomes the main character of the Torah, saving the Israelites from, “black people counting their money”
• Entire book of Psalms replaced with nude photos of anonymous immigrant women

Islam

• Followers must make a once a year pilgrimage to a strip club
• Teaches followers to say, “Allah Akbar… fahood mishri laqtood fitood Trump Casino” (God is great… but loses loads of cash at Trump’s casino)

Christianity

• All words of Jesus removed
• All references to Jesus removed
• Bible rebuked for, “not understanding the plight of the 21st century American white man.”

Buddhism

• Images of fat Buddah given, “statue-liposuction”
• Followers must believe, “life is suffering”
• Monks w/bald heads required to shine head until it sparkles