
Judaism
- Followers told to, “not to act too Jewy”
- The snake in Genesis becomes the main character of the Torah, saving the Israelites from, “black people counting their money”
- Entire book of Psalms replaced with nude photos of anonymous immigrant women
Islam
- Followers must make a once a year pilgrimage to a strip club
- Teaches followers to say, “Allah Akbar… fahood mishri laqtood fitood Trump Casino” (God is great… but loses loads of cash at Trump’s casino)
Christianity
- All words of Jesus removed
- All references to Jesus removed
- Bible rebuked for, “not understanding the plight of the 21st century American white man.”
Buddhism
- Images of fat Buddah given, “statue-liposuction”
- Followers must believe, “life is suffering”
- Monks w/bald heads required to shine head until it sparkles
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