The Parable of Rodrigo: Why Saving DACA is Not Enough
A certain man named Ed lived in a house by the sea. Every day he would say hi and smile to his next door neighbor. It was a young family with two cute little children. […]
Articles
The Self-Righteous Hypocrisy of Judging Undocumented Immigrants
In the 2013 movie Elysium, a mother has a very sick child. In this Sci-Fi film there are two planets… one of prosperity, the other of poverty. This mother lives on the impoverished planet. She […]
Pope Francis Calls on 29 Year Old Father of Four to Admit he is Catholic
Pope Francis released an encyclical this afternoon tited, Givi Mi a Breakum, directed at a single individual, Kevin McDaniel. McDaniel, despite having four children by the age of 29, swears he is not is not Catholic. […]
Atheist Author Pops into Being Uncaused Out of Nothing – Doesn’t Think Twice About It
Yesterday evening Todd Jacobson popped into being uncaused out of nothing inside of a New York City apartment. Jacobson, who popped into existence as a fully formed adult, immediately went to the fridge to grab […]
Ethics Professors Now Throwing Weaker Students Out 3rd Story Window
“If they are able to limp into class the next day alive, then maybe they are worth keeping in the gene pool,” said ethics professor, Johann Fritz. Fritz is part of a growing number of ethicists who […]
“All of Life is One,” Says Man being Attacked by Shark
“The universe is all One! All of life is One,” said Deepak Suzuki, a Buddhist Monk and New age teacher, shortly before a great white shark leaped out of the ocean, grabbed him by the leg, and […]
“Science is Dead,” says Nerd Unable to Get a Date
“I have read over 200 peer-reviewed scientific studies on dating,” said 15 year old Tanner Finkleman, “yet, it has worked out so poorly that I plan on taking my own father to the prom.” Finkleman had […]
Culture Obsessed With Superhero Movies Blasts Religious People for, “Desperate Need to Believe in Something Supernatural”
“Religious people have an unnatural desire to believe in something supernatural,” said Ferris Richardson, who owns over 250 assorted Marvel figurines. American Culture in general has spent over 3 billion dollars in recent years on Superhero […]
Spirit Airlines Admits Passenger Survival Rate About 50%
“Our survival rate is below the national average but so are our prices so I think it evens out” said CEO of Spirit Airlines, Jack Spark. While admitting about half of the people who take Spirit […]
BREAKING: 9 San Diego Residents Killed by 50 Degree Weather
A group of 9 residents of San Diego, California died last night after they forgot their hoodies and stepped outside in 50 degree weather. One of the victims, Bo Burrows, left behind a wife, two children, and […]
STOP THE LIES – The TRUE Origin of Thanksgiving
The word “Thanksgiving” is a combination of two greek words, Thankus and Guetus. Thankus was the greek god known for his turkey shape and destructive addiction to cranberry sauce. Geutus was a human being who is […]
Scientist Outed for Having 200 Affairs Says It Was Evolutionarily Beneficial
“I only slept with highly intelligent women,” said Dr. Alexi Gebhardt, “considering that I myself have three doctorates, the hundreds of intelligent babies produced from these affairs will benefit mankind immensely.” Dr. Gebhardt is famed for […]
Man Realizes He is Spinning on Earth, Flies off Earth
42 year old Jason Billman knew that the earth was rotating at high speeds since he was in middle-school. But it wasn’t until August 28th, 2015 that he really started to think about it. It […]
Flying Spaghetti Monster Depressed After Discovering Intelligent Religious People
“He just sits in the fridge all day absorbing vodka-sauce,” reported the Flying Rotini Monster, brother of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). After coming home after a late night of pasta parties Friday evening, reported […]
Beyond Grunting – 3 Vocabularys to Force People to Think You Omnismart
If you use words and not just grunts, you will get Promo-Ted. […]