Putin frees 755 Hostages
In a surprising change of policy, Valdimir Putin signaled peace with the west this morning by freeing 755 American diplomats who were being held captive in Russia. The move came as a shock to the […]
Politics
Trump & Blackmail: A Failure of Imagination
“The most important failure… [which led to the attacks] was one of imagination.” – The 9/11 Commission Report Most people in government didn’t think such a world shattering and never before seen idea like taking down […]
What a Christian Can Teach Dems About Overcoming Stereotypes
“Liberals are latte-sipping, PC, naive, always playing the victim, intolerant of other views and most of all, snowflakes.” All common stereotypes of liberals. When I was an atheist, I used to believe lots of stereotypes about […]
New Healthcare Bill Includes Authorization to Kill Robin Hood
The new GOP healthcare bill reportedly includes an amendment to authorize the President to make a preemptive strike on Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men. The amendment called, “nuking medicaid, protection for preexisting […]
Trump Demands GOP Leaders Yell ‘WITNESS ME’ Before Publicaly Defending Him
Asking all others to leave the room, Donald Trump spoke with top GOP leaders such as Paul Ryan and Mr. Burns. In the meeting he reportedly demanded not only their loyalty, but also demanded that […]
Politician Finds Nothing to Whine About After Opposition Takes Poop
Multiple sources report that Senator Bill O’Donnell found absolutely nothing to whine or cry about after a Senator from the other side of the isle went into the bathroom and took a dump. O’Donnell was […]
Trump Considers Shooting Own Dog to Control Next News Cycle
“If I shot my own dog,” thought President Trump, “it should buy me at least one day of news coverage.” According to sources in the White House, Trump has been brainstorming ways to distract the […]
After Infowars Claims Leprechauns Exist, Trump to Carpet Bomb Ireland
“I read an article on Infowars claiming that leprechauns actually exist and that they are hoarding gold,” said Donald Trump shortly after his daily cocaine session. Trump has ordered the US military to DEFCON 1 […]
Breakthrough: Science Discovers “Mr. Burns Gene” in Trump
“Some only speculated that such a gene literally existed, but now there is no doubt,” said Hans Flibbelflovel, chief scientist at the University of Flubber. Flibbelflovel’s team tested Trump’s DNA and noticed that one of the […]
Democrats Unleash Foolproof Plan for 2020: ‘Do the Same Thing as Last Time’
Democrats have reportedly unleashed a foolproof plan to stop Trump in 2020, do exactly the same thing as last time. The Democrats plan to win over former Trump voters by just sitting back and waiting […]
Trump Threatens War With Mother Nature
“For FAR too long Mother Nature has attacked Americans with tornados, hurricanes, and earthquakes! I won’t stand for it any longer!” said Donald Trump. Trump believes that President Obama has been weak on the natural […]
Sean Spicer Threatens to Morph Back into Hypnotoad
“You aren’t appreciating the freedom I have given you by appearing to you in the form of a man,” said Sean Spicer to the press Friday afternoon. Spicer repeatedly threatened the press by claiming that he […]
Awkward Silence in WH after New Guy Makes Anti-Nazi joke
“We would have at least preferred a trigger-warning… there are just some things you don’t make jokes about,” said Steve Bannon on Monday. At a high level meeting comprised of Trump’s top assholes, new employee […]
Trump to Spend Weekend Shooting Supporters
“At least your are not a politician” said one supporter as Trump caught him with a bear trap, threw a grenade in his direction, and shot him in the leg just for the heck of it. […]
Trump to Leak Hand Size to Distract from Stealing Candy from a Baby Scandal
Donald Trump sent a letter to a top hand expert claiming that his hand size in 2005 was “totally normal” in order to distract from a congressional investigation which indicates he systematically stole candy from […]