“I read an article on Infowars claiming that leprechauns actually exist and that they are hoarding gold,” said Donald Trump shortly after his daily cocaine session.
Trump has ordered the US military to DEFCON 1 to prepare for a full scale war with the nation of Ireland unless they, “turn over their pots of gold as well as all their leprechauns and anyone under 5 feet tall just in case they are a secret leprechaun.”
In response, President of the nation of Ireland Michael D. Higgins went to the United Nations to give a speech titled, “leprechauns do not exist.”
In the passionate speech, now hailed as one of the greatest of all time, Higgins stated,
“I’ve just spent an hour and a half giving arguments to show that leprechauns do not actually exist, and yet the most powerful country in the world is still considering carpet bombing us until we admit that they do exist. Are you freaking kidding me? I am going to drink a Guinness DURING my United Nations speech to show how absurd this is. I mean, what the bloody hell else am I supposed to do?”
Trump responded to the speech, “every time he says that leprechauns do not exist, and doesn’t admit that he himself is the chief leprechaun, we will carpet bomb an extra Irish city.”
This came shortly after Trump ordered a series of dangerous missions to be carried out by Seal Team 6 at the end of rainbows near Dublin. Four seals died of friendly fire after Trump ordered them to shoot at invisible leprechauns (the scariest kind of leprechaun).
Facing the threat of nuclear annihilation and additional superfluous carpet bombing, the Irish leader backed down,
“…therefore to save my country, I appear to you today in a leprechaun costume, and even though it is not true, I will say, ‘yes President Trump, leprechauns do exist, and I am one of them, in fact, I am the chief leprechaun! Take me, and everyone under 5 feet tall in my country. You may also have all of our gold. Just don’t nuke us…”
Higgins then jumped up in the air and kicked his heels against each other to fully sell the act.
The rest of the sane world drank a pint of Guinness in solidarity with the Irish leader. Who is suspected to be held in esteem as one of the bravest people of all time.